


Relationship Advice from a Seer

by catdemonakatsukigirl



Series: Thief with a Title [10]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Gen, M/M, Some cussing because of everyone but Kankri, Tarot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-07-06
Packaged: 2017-12-17 21:33:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/872184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catdemonakatsukigirl/pseuds/catdemonakatsukigirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This seems stupid, trusting a Seer, a fortune teller, to help you with your love life. Especially since said Seer is Kankri Vantas, a individual who does not really understand romance, but Karkat has refused to give you advice and he's a Vantas! Vantas know things about love and how to make relationships work. You need this relationship to work with Eridan. You just need it to!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Relatiion2hiip Adviice from a 2eer

“Tho are you thure thith will work?”

“You don’t trust me?”

“You are a thief.”

“A crappy one.”

“Thtill a thief!”

“I’m trying to stop.”

“Thtill a thief!”

“I’m more of a Seer and teacher than a thief.”

“You get that job yet?”

Silence for a moment before a ‘No.’

“Then you are thtill a thief!”

“Sollux do you want my help or not?”

“…yeth.”

Your name is Sollux Captor and you are requesting help from the Seer of Blood, Kankri Vantas your roommate’s older brother. He’s a thief, a very crappy one but he is an amazing Seer and fortune teller.

You are 20 years old and you are in a relationship with an Eridan Ampora, Kankri’s Boyfriend’s younger brother. Eridan is 18, almost 19. You have no clue if this relationship will work or not, which is why you are requesting Kankri’s seer powers.

At the moment you are in the Croker-Egbert Bakery where Karkat works yet with your other roommate, John Egbert. Kankri is always hanging around there bugging Karkat.

And speaking of Kakkat, “HEY FUCKASS, YOU GOING TO BUY SOMETHING?”

“Karkat please watch your language, it could trigger someone and then you would lose business and then you would be out of a job and then Sollux would have to support you or Dave would. Are you still in a relationship with Dave? You don’t have to answer that if it triggers you, I don’t want to trigger you. I’m sorry if me speaking of you losing your job has triggered you. Also I did pay for this, well Cronus’s money did which is currently in my possession but I did pay for this piece of pie and batch of cookies, so I would like it if you could pay more attention to the details before you start yelling me for something that is not in fact true.”

Did he just all of that in one breath? You think he did. Kankri is the only one who can make Karkat (And everyone else) be quiet.

“Babe!” And Cronus Ampora is the only one who can make Kankri be quiet, unless of course he ‘triggers’ him.

Which happened to be at that point. You grab Kankri before he can run off and lecture Cronus, “Are you going to help me with my own Ampora problem?”

“But I need to let Cronus know that it is not alright to call me ‘babe’ because I am not a female nor a child and that it is indeed offensive and triggering to me. And that if he does it again that I will indeed throw my knives at the wall again!”

“Are you having thex with him?” His face heats up.

“Inappropriate for a public conversation!”

You raise an eyebrow, “Tho ith that a yeth or a no?”

“N-no. A no. Cronus and I have not engaged in any sexual intercourse of any form.”

Oh really? Then this is going to be fun for you, “Not even a blowjob or hand job?”

“No!”

“Tho he mutht have A LOT of thexual tenthion! I bet he moanth and begth your name when he’th mathturbating!”

“W-w-w-w-wh-a-a-a-at!?” Heh. He can’t even form a word without shaking. He pulls the stupid collar of his sweater over his head and lies it down on the counter next to his pie.

Mission Accomplished!

“GOOD JOB FUCKASS! YOU HAVE RENDERED MY BROTHER INTO A PILE OF RED! KANKRI YOU IDIOT, PULL THAT DOWN BEFORE DIE OF OXYGEN DEPREVATION!” Karkat glares at you while he tries to get Kankri back to normal. Cronus just sits at his table reading his book.

“Thorry KK. Tho Theer, you helping me?”

He tugs his collar down and shakes his head, “Yes let me get my tarot cards from my bag. They are most helpful in figuring out problems that do not involve blood, bleeding, wounds, dying etc…Sorry if that somehow triggered you in any way. Let me get my cards.”

“You actually have fucking cardth?” You ask him but no replies because Cronus caught him into a kiss before he could.

He shouldn’t have done that by judging from Kankri’s reaction, which was priceless.

“HEY ASSHOLE, TRY TO NOT MAKE MY BROTHER UNCOMFORTABLE! I WILL KILL YOU IF HE DOESN’T!” Karkat yells at Cronus causing Kankri to glare and rush up to him, holding a deck of cards.

“I CAN FIGHT MY OWN BATTLE KARKATA! I DO NOT REQUIRE YOUR ASSASSETINCE! IT IS APPRETIATED BUT I DO NOT NEED IT! SO, BACK. OFF!”

You can count all other times Kankri has yelled with anger on one hand, its pretty rare. Even though he is already loud, his screaming is louder. It’s a Vantas thing to be loud, give some form of a speech and hold long notes (even though Kankri doesn’t sing very often). Oh yeah and scream like a fucking banshee!

Which they are doing right now. Crocker is probably happy that you and Cronus are the only customers at the moment. Karkat ends his shriek first and he’s out of breath from it. Kankri holds it for another two minutes before he stops. He is not panting.

“Right, I am thinking I should just do the Relationship Spread for your problem. This is a ten card spread that looks into the past, the present and the other forces that act upon the relationship. This,” He points to the card in the upper right corner, “Is the final result.”

“That theemth complicated. Ithn’t there thomething eathier for you to do?” He frowns and glares at you while picking the new cards up and reshuffling his deck. He lets the emotion go and the he shivers and lets out a gasp of air, “You okay?”

“I am fine, just a vision of blood, I get them when I am angry. It is to remind me to be calm or something stupid will happen. There is a smaller version of the ten card, a five card one.”

He lays the cards in a cross and starts flipping them, starting with the top corner, “This represents Eridan’s current felling, sorry FEELINGS, attitudes and expectations. This card is the Queen of Cups in the reversed. Eridan,” He chuckles, “has an over-active imagination. He thinks that while he may be happy and enjoying this pleasure, that it will suddenly become bitter.”

He flips the bottom corner, “This is your feeling. The Moon upright,” He frowns and looks up to you. You arch an eyebrow and he shakes his head at you, “Deception, trickery, disillusionment, error, danger. The list goes on and on. It means you are not going to tell him something that may be the end of this relationship.”

You are shocked but at the same time you aren’t. You were diagnosed with bi-polarity and you have a long history of changing your mind a lot. He flips the left corner and he burst out laughing. You don’t know if this good or not, between laughs he tells what it means.

“This is the interaction between you two. The Knight of Cups; intelligence, romance, you two have small burst of pure bliss!”

Oh. That would sound funny after two negative cards. He flips the right corner.

“This is the environment factor, how society treats your relationship. The High Priestess in the reversed. Ignorance, lack of understanding, selfishness and shallowness but that doesn’t really mean anything though.”

“Why not?”

“Because you two are homosexual and I am sure Karkat understands your relationship, is there anyone who doesn’t?”

“A lot of people,” You tell him and he frowns. He flips the last card, the one in the center. He doesn’t tell you the meaning. He motions for Cronus to come over and then he whispers something into his ear and then Cronus lets out a sigh and turns to you.

“If you hurt my baby cousin I wvill rip your dick off and make you a pussy to have instead!” Kankri covers his face with his collar again.

“What? What the hell did the last card mean?”

“It means that you need change, chief. I already had to deal with Eri’s heartbreaks in the past. He’s into you, and if you hurt him you will end up leading him to his death!”

Your eyes go wide behind your glasses, “What!?”

Karkat came over at some point and picked the card up, “IMMATURITY, INDECISION, FEEBLENESS, PETTY EMOTIONS AND LACK OF STRENGTH. THE MEANING OF THE EMPEROR, ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL RULERS, IN REVERSE. GOOD LUCK FUCK ASS!”

You can’t believe it! Okay yes you can. But still! Your relationship is doomed to end if you don’t change your ways! And worse of all Eridan’s life is also at risk!


	2. Afterword

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan's life is in your hands? How is he so emotionally unstable? You decide to not worry about it. Kankri is stupid, you are older than him, he's stupid and full of lies!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I could have left it alone with the one chapter but I wanted to have some Eridan in it! And yeah I am working on OotWQ....just wanted to write some other stories that popped into my head before I forgot about them! (I have one with Nepeta that I need to write, she's a freaken girl scout!)

You thank Kankri for his service and leave.

You wander around the city, ignoring all sorts of phone calls and text messages from everyone you know. You had no clear destination but somehow you ended up at Eridan’s house. You knock on the door and you are let in by the butler and Eridan is called. He comes running down the stairs full of life, could you really kill him if you break up with him?

You can’t imagine it yet at the same time you can. Someone finding him hanged from his ceiling fan or something like that. Not drowned of course, no he couldn’t be betrayed by the water that he loves.

His face is full of happiness to see you and he can’t control himself to give you a hug.

“I missed you Sol,” He whispers into your ear, “I don’t knoww wwhy, I saww you last night.”

“I miththed you too ED,” You return the hug, “If I ever act thrange and mean to you, don’t believe whatever I thay. It’th not true ED, it never ith. I love you too much to ever be truly mad with you!”

He doesn’t say anything for a moment; he’s still trying to figure out what you said. He hugs you tighter.

“Wwell than, I wwon’t let you go Sol!”

“Um actually can you let me go? It’th getting hard to breathe ED.”

You ruin the moment slightly but nobody said you had to be perfect! You and Eridan spend the night together and you came to realize something. Nothing bad is going to happen to Eridan, not today, not tomorrow, not next week. Nothing bad is going to happen Eridan, ever.

And that you shouldn’t believe Kankri on a subject that he knows literally nothing on.

**Author's Note:**

> Why is it that when I write Kankri or Cronus POV's Kankri is a quite little bastard? But yeah I am a shipper of many things and I like tarot cards and I replayed the Meenah quests to make sure a certain detail(Its in the second one as a hint of what detail I may be talking about) and to just have fun being Kankri(It tug at my blood pusher when I reheard his song...I have the full song on my phone and listen to it almost every day!) and Cronus(Who has the WORSE quirk ever! And I think I may have been messing it up...fuuuu) also I got myself a tarot deck so I might be writing more Seer Kankri! I also like writing Sollux, Word does not.


End file.
